It’s roughly 11:00 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 1987 in Taunton, Massachusetts and it was time. I had been cooped up in this womb for nine months now and I wanted out. Why so late on such a lovely day? Truth is I had my own personal grudge against Columbus Day, and I refused to be born on such a stupid holiday. So timing here was everything.
With skill that would have made any supervisor suspicious, I headbutted the amniotic sac and fluid erupted everywhere. Surely she would get my point. Just in case, I threw in a few good kicks just to make sure. Get in the car, woman, ‘cause I’m coming out.
It worked out pretty perfectly for me. The drive to the hospital took as long as expected, as well as getting set up in a room and the actual delivery. I timed it perfectly and was delivered seven seconds after midnight on October 13th, 1987. I know, close call, right?
My first thought upon entering this world was that I didn’t particularly care for the feel of vinyl. I really wanted out of this doctor’s gloves and to be wrapped up in my mother’s arms. My second thought was that this room was unnecessarily bright. Some courtesy for newborn eyes was too much to ask for, I guess. I won’t lie, the whole experience was a bit much and I ended up just crying like a little bitch the entire time.
Roughly ten months ago, when I was just a sperm loaded in an adequately sized
pouch, I was on my usual swim with some friends when they told me the rumors about the outside world. The wonders, sights, and amazing things that go on out there. It all sounded miraculous and incredible and it became my dream to one day witness the beautiful things that I had heard about. The stories of falling in love, visiting breathtaking landmarks and growing up to learn what all of it was about. I just had to see it with my own eyes.
So now that I had made it…what now? Because so far it kind of sucked.